OAKLAND, Calif. -- John Hart seemed to have it all -- a successful career as a doctor, a marriage of 30 years and two grown children.

But one day, a year and a half ago, it all fell apart. John's wife, Sandy, gave him some devastating news -- she had fallen in love with a woman.

"I kissed a woman for the first time in my life," Sandy said. "So that kind of answered a lot of questions for me."

But other questions raced through John's mind.

"Was this because of me?" he wondered. "Was I that bad as a husband or that bad as a lover that I produced this?"

Sandy too was painfully confused.

"It wasn't about choice," she said. "It was like this happened and I need to make sense of it. I need to go forward."

Sandy said coming out as a lesbian at the age of 52 had nothing to do with her husband, but rather the way she was raised. She grew up in a conservative Oklahoma community where women were expected to get married and have children.

But looking back, she says, she knew something was missing. The problem is it took 30 years to figure it out.

"As hard as it's been," Sandy said. "It was the thing to do. But I felt like I was risking my children and my family. It wasn't easy."

Meanwhile, John was suffering too. He needed help, but didn't know where to turn.

"The people I would talk to, I couldn't talk to, because they would just pull away," he said.

This book -- 'The Other Side Of The Closet' -- helped him realize he wasn't alone.

"I couldn't get the book fast enough and virtually read it two or three times," he said. "And in doing so, I recognized my story."

The book's author, Amity Pierce Buxton, is the founder of the Straight Spouse Network -- an international support organization that holds group meetings in Oakland and San Jose.

"I wanted out of the pain so bad," John said. "The meetings were once a month and I can remember thinking why don't they have the meetings every day."

Judy Frey found herself in a similar situation.

"The fact that you can talk to other people...it makes you feel better than you are," she said.

About four years ago, Frey's 22-year marriage came to an end when her husband told her he was in love with a man.

"This has really been a very painful thing for him to come out," she said. "Society wants a man and a woman and children and a white picket fence."

David Frey said his honesty came with a heavy price. As a gay man he is now estranged from his two children and has lost many good friends.

"It was the most difficult decision of my life," he said.

And it was difficult on Judy. But she said the Straight Spouse Network and its founders have given her a place to listen, vent her frustrations and get advice.

"Their whole world has been turned upside down," said Buxton. "Gender isn't what they thought it was. Marriage isn't what they thought it was. Their lives aren't what they thought they were."

Buxton speaks from experience. After 25 years of marriage and two children, her husband came out.

"People don't believe it," she said. "How can someone who is married be gay or how come you didn't know."

Now, almost 20 years after receiving the heartbreaking news, the 73-year-old is considered by many the world's straight spouse expert. She runs her international organization out of a spare room in her El Cerrito home.

Over the years, she has reached more than 6,000 people and receives calls every day.

"Some woman just called and said this happened to me 30 years ago," Buxton said. "I haven't talked about it to anybody. Can I come (to a support group)?"

Buxton said Frey and Hart have made remarkable progress, but they still have a long way to go. They are now friendly with their ex-spouses and admit that their relationships are better now than when they were married.

"It's over and it will get better," Fry said. "There is life after and you can resume a normal life and be a normal person again."