Dear Double Take, My wife is a deputy sheriff. She recently changed positions in the department, a move over which she had no control. She must stay in this position for the next three years.
Her day starts at 5 a.m. and she arrives home after 8:30 p.m. We have a 6-year-old who goes to private school and karate on Wednesday and Saturday. The problem is I now feel like a single parent doing everything during the week (breakfast, homework, dinner) and on the weekend, I'm cutting the grass and cleaning.I don't have time for myself, I'm always tired and now I don't have time for her. I get up at 4:55 a.m. and by the time I finish dinner, homework and exhale it is 9:30 a.m. I'm trying to get 7 hours of sleep because of my job. I'm becoming very short with my wife and my son. What should I do?
EDDIE SAYS:
I can hear women out there already: "This is what we all do, and you don't hear
us complaining!"
(Never mind that mothers do often complain about exactly this sort of thing.)
Whether it's a do-it-all mom or a Mr. Mom shouldering the load, it can be hard. Kids in general can be a bit draining, and managing a home and two schedules is a lot. So, that's the sympathetic portion of the answer.
Otherwise, a lot of it is just venting -- like you just did -- every once in a while, and realizing that sometimes life is just hard, and you have to fight through it and remember that better times will come if you keep your head up.
You deserve a break, though. So work with your officer of the peace wife and find a way that you can get some time away. Maybe you can find someone you can trade an evening of baby-sitting with, or hire some help for the yard and relax one weekend. Small respites can have big rewards.
ALANA SAYS: It's going to be a rough three years if you don't find a way to make a little time for yourself.
It sounds like you don't blame your wife for this situation -- as you said, she had no control over the position change. And since you're not venting about her lack of contributions, I'm guessing she's doing her best when she's around.
That means you have to deal with this. Set aside time every week for yourself -- an hour or two every Saturday afternoon to get together with buddies or do some reading in a local coffee shop -- whatever it takes to clear your head and feel good about things again and remind yourself that, in the end, this is all worth it.
Dear Double Take,My husband and I have been married for 8 years and have 2 beautiful children. Our marriage has been a happy one with the normal ups and downs and occasional disagreements.For the past few months, my husband has been doing a lot of "guy stuff" with his best friend who is also married but unhappily so. They have taken a few ski trips this winter, work out at the gym a few mornings a week and play softball in the spring and fall together. They also work at the same company and see each other daily.I have tried not to be a "jealous" or "clingy" wife, but I have noticed that his attitude toward me has become very disrespectful and impatient. He doesn't speak to me the way he used to and he doesn't seem to be interested in spending any time with me or our children. I've tried to talk to him about this situation and he seems to think I have a "complex." Do I have a real case here, or am I just reading too much into this?
ALANA SAYS:While I can't be entirely sure of how much you're reading into the situation, from your description, it does sound like your husband is spending an awful lot of time away from his family.
Perhaps instead of accusing him of being neglectful or disrespectful, you should instead ask how his buddy is doing in his relationship. Maybe that can lead into a comparison with your own relationship -- which might open up the discussion further.
While you'll want to avoid being too accusatory, there's nothing wrong with telling your husband that it feels like your relationship has changed lately. But unless he has been avoiding his husband/father duties -- like skipping one of the kids' baseball games to hang out with his friend -- I'm not sure the time thing needs fixing. However, it sounds like his attitude does.
EDDIE SAYS:Imagine you have a tasty drink. All the elements blend nicely, it tastes good over ice -- nice and refreshing. Then someone adds just a hint of lemon juice to it. It can throw the whole thing off, making it taste wrong. The more you drink, the worse it gets. But you've started it, and you're going to get to the bottom. By then, you're used to it.
That is what is happening here. Your husband's friend has introduced an element of bitterness into your marriage, and your husband keeps sucking it down. He hears about what went wrong in that other relationship and thinks, "Hey ... my life isn't perfect, either. So it must suck as well!"
Alana's got some good advice for you up there. Talk to him about it. Heck, you can even ask him if hearing his friend's problems get him thinking about what's not right at home.
Now, you have to be ready to let him say his piece and not fight about it. But releasing the pressure may make things easier for both of you.
Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view, one from Eddie, a married family man in his early 30s, and one from Alana, a single woman in her 20s.E-mail questions to
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